Return of the POTUS

So, we've been mostly absent from the blogosphere for several weeks. So sorry for the lack of substance. Here's the deal: we've been on vacay for a while and we don't like wasting vacay time on stuff like blogging. Instead, we prefer to waste time blogging when we have other important things to tend to, like work and school. We're back from vacay, and so blogging must commence. And what better occasion than a State of the Union address? We'll be live blogging, for the politico nerd in all of us.

First up, Shela Jackson Lee is in her normal SOTU seat, right on the center isle, where she can glad hand the Pres. Rumor has it she parked her ass there for 12 hours before the last SOTU address so she could hold that seat. We have now confirmed that she never actually left that spot, and has been there since last year. A fine expenditure of tax payer money.

The Pres starts the speech off by giving props to John Boehner. Boehner bursts out in tears.

NPR mentioned that some big shot CEOs would be in attendance. Xeorox's Ursula Burns is not only there, she's black and she's a woman. Just goes to show how "with it" corporate America is these days. Watch out, white oppressors!

"We're the nation that put computers in homes and cars in driveways," and herpes in undergrads.

He just made reference to the "seeds" that started the internet. Apparently, he, like Ted "the internet is a series of tubes" Stevens, does not yet understand the intergooglings. He should so hire us as his IT consultants. We know have email and know how to blogspot. Score.

Stop giving money to oil companies!? What!? What will happen to our $32/mo gas royalties in the Barnett Shale!?

BTW, HRC looks stunning in her royal blue pantsuit (by Cache). Call us!

John Kerry and John McCain are sitting next to each other. Immediately after the speech, they're going to engage in hand-to-hand, special forces mortal combat. Despite he age of 132, we predict McCain will score a spine-removing fatality on Kerry.

Boehner give no applause for high-speed rail or internet. He hates technology and trains. What kind of god-fearing, red-blooded, American man hates trains? He's clearly a communist.

Texas home town hero Ron Kirk is getting some face time. We are told Obama is going to appoint him as Kay Bay's Senate successor at the end of the speech. Awesome.

Boner and Biden think it's absolutely hilarious that the healthcare reform law is divisive and controversial. Don't we all? We're glad the Pres is railing on scumbag insurance companies who refused to cover new patients for pre-existing conditions. He thinks we should fix what else needs fixing. Well great. Can we start with the $400/mo COBRA premiums for those of us who just lost our jobs? $400 a month. HI-larious, indeed.

Our fingers are getting tired, and we're missing out on thoughtful reflection on the Pres's comments because we have to explain everything to y'all. Good grief, can't y'all do anything on your own? We're signing off until (a) the end of the speech, or (b) something crazy happens... Like a Boner-Biden loveatron.

OK, we lied. We can't stand it, and we're back.

We can't afford continued tax breaks for the wealthiest Americans? Um.... Mr. President, didn't you just sign a bill that extended them for 2 more years?

Smoked salmon humor. Raise your hand if you don't love it, fascists.

Biden's maniacal laughter is unsettling at this point. He also thinks it's hilarious to think that the President would actually veto a bill merely because it has earmarks.... Wait, we think this is hilarious, too! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH HAHAHAHAHHAHA hAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH! OOPOOHHHH MAN! We needed that.

The Iraq War is coming to an end, but no members of Congress think this is worth standing for. Meh. We didn't stand either.

He's giving Boner props again -- watch out for the water works!!!!

"We do big things." Like $14 trillion in national debt.

Well, we think we can all agree that was a relatively tame SOTU (despite Brian Williams's reassurance that we haven't seen anything like it). Yes, Ds sat next to Rs, and vice versa, but that only happened b/c Republicans didn't want to seat next to McCain -- he's too conciliatory for their tastes -- and no one wanted to sit next to Liberman -- jowls too droopy.

Ultimately, though, we're just happy to hear two thoughtful, coherent SOTU addresses in a row. Their wasn't a single reference to "'Am'rca" or 9/11. We think that's something we can all be proud of.

We like you, a lot.

In lieu of actual "writing," we think a simple phrase will summarize tonight's episode.

BTW, if you thought this "blog" had anything to do with politics, or being "pissed," or someone called "Dems," you were so wrong... We only report the important stuff here.

B-Wo Is Back In Town

Well, the B-Wo is back. He's more mature. Mentally developed. Singler. More ready to get marrieder. It's already the most dramatic season ever, and it hasn't even started. It's so for reals dramatic, you can't fucking stand i*t. Prepare to have you mind blow like a day's per diem in a Texas senator's pocket.

What do we say about this madness? Are we more pissed off that this effer is back, or that we're getting sucked into another season of the most painfully mindless drivel on television?

Probably the previous of the two.

We're going to "live" blog while we watch on DVR. You see, it's live to us. Not you. It's not all about you, dammit!

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Well, the girls doing their intros, and the very first freakshow of the year has graced us with her TV presence. That's right: Vampire Girl. "Vampy" for short, you know. Wifey noticed that they're not posting the girls' ages this year. We know why now: they're all 16. Vampy is clearly still lusting for Edward. This isn't going to work out, we can tell you now.

Next we have Absolutely Nothing Bad to Say About Her, Ever (ANBSAH,E). This poor thing tragically lost her husband in a plane crash. She decided to stay home; didn't go on the flight as planned; plane crashes; she finds out she's pregnant. There's nothing funny to say about this. Except it's so sad that she is so horribly, horribly... Ugly.

We lost control of the remote control, and Wifey is refusing to stop the DVRings so we can meticulously examine the profiles of these deviants. So, we're moving straight on to THE RETURN OF JENI & DEANNA. (You may remember them from the 00's ("aughts"?) action adventure series, The Adventures of J&D, which was cancelled after only two seasons when J attempted to forcibly marry the key grip, and D was arrested just across the Utah state line for polygamy. Holy. Fucking. Shit. This is going to be awkward...

Well, we were wrong. They're off to a great start... Until they open their mouths and speak.

Kill us now.

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We expected some drama in this season, but we weren't expecting immediate physical assault. Home boy just got bitch slapped, yo.

Miss North Carolina doesn't give a flying monkey's ass if he's a heartbreaking bastard. She's ready to climb aboard the B Train.

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Y'all know how to pick out the biggest harlot in the crowd? Green dress. Boobies flapping in the wind. Score.

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We're sensing another assult -- some blonde is telling him to get on his knees! Aw, crap. She's tricking him into proposing instead. Lame... Well, that's it! She wins. He proposed. Show over. You are not America's next top model. Go home.

B is telling Lisa P. to just be herself, and "everything will go well." That's it, dude. Start screaming orders at them around now. Give them a sneak preview of their lives as Mrs. B Wo.

He tells Jill that he loves being greeted by someone who smiles. Well no shit, Sherlock.

Rebecca the Manscaper (Man Woman for short) just went straight for the ole lip lock. They didn't show it, but we read that Brad spat and gargled with gasoline off camera immediately after she was out of his line of sight.

Aw, damn. ANBSAH,E is back. Wifey says B is smitten already. We say he's disgusted just looking at her.

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And... we're back. In our time -- DVR World -- it's been hours... OK, maybe 30 minutes. How long has it been in yours? Regardless, forgive the light updates from here on out. We've killed 9 cans of 4 Loko; we don't know which one's Chris Garrison, which is DEANNA; and now Hussy with the Green Dress On is threatening to beat on the Wo again. Lord help us all.

Wifey is "surprised how few slutty girls there are," but not at the number of half-exposed twin peaks. Wait. Wifey told us that cleavage is slutty. She may be brain washing us.

Ohhhhh dizaamm! Man Woman is busting out the body waxing. Nothing says "sex me, please" like ripping hair from a man's arm. Now she's describing how she waxes banana hammocks. Ew.

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Brad gives Ashley the first impression rose, also known as the "I'm giving this rose to you right now, because there are other women who are hotter in there and later I'm going to dump you, so I'm trying to make you feel good about yourself right now" Rose. Heartbreaking to see such a sweet girl's dreams crushed so soon.

He's giving out roses. First up, Michelle. She looks like an unfamous, sober, but still a bit skanky Carmen Electra. Oh, and she got a baby daddy, so that will be fun for Austin's most infamous bachelor.

Kelty -- what the samhell kind of name is that? - is jumping for joy. She got a rose.

Wifey is making predictions about who's going home. So far, she's damn near 0-fer. (O-fer is a baseball term, dammit. This is a man's blog, clearly.) She did call, however, that ANBSAH,E and Baby Daddy would get roses... This isn't a surprise, really. B Wo is known for liking extremely unattractive women. One of these women will be the future ex-Mrs. B Wo. Can we just skip to the last episode with the three of them in the hot tub and call it a season, please?

That's all the fun we can handle for this week... Tune in next week, when we rename the blog to pissedoffdemsareclearlynothingbutabunchofbitchesbecausetheylettheirwomenruntheremote.blogspotcom.