What do we say about this madness? Are we more pissed off that this effer is back, or that we're getting sucked into another season of the most painfully mindless drivel on television?
Probably the previous of the two.
We're going to "live" blog while we watch on DVR. You see, it's live to us. Not you. It's not all about you, dammit!
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Well, the girls doing their intros, and the very first freakshow of the year has graced us with her TV presence. That's right: Vampire Girl. "Vampy" for short, you know. Wifey noticed that they're not posting the girls' ages this year. We know why now: they're all 16. Vampy is clearly still lusting for Edward. This isn't going to work out, we can tell you now.
Next we have Absolutely Nothing Bad to Say About Her, Ever (ANBSAH,E). This poor thing tragically lost her husband in a plane crash. She decided to stay home; didn't go on the flight as planned; plane crashes; she finds out she's pregnant. There's nothing funny to say about this. Except it's so sad that she is so horribly, horribly... Ugly.
We lost control of the remote control, and Wifey is refusing to stop the DVRings so we can meticulously examine the profiles of these deviants. So, we're moving straight on to THE RETURN OF JENI & DEANNA. (You may remember them from the 00's ("aughts"?) action adventure series, The Adventures of J&D, which was cancelled after only two seasons when J attempted to forcibly marry the key grip, and D was arrested just across the Utah state line for polygamy. Holy. Fucking. Shit. This is going to be awkward...
Well, we were wrong. They're off to a great start... Until they open their mouths and speak.
Kill us now.
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We expected some drama in this season, but we weren't expecting immediate physical assault. Home boy just got bitch slapped, yo.
Miss North Carolina doesn't give a flying monkey's ass if he's a heartbreaking bastard. She's ready to climb aboard the B Train.
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Y'all know how to pick out the biggest harlot in the crowd? Green dress. Boobies flapping in the wind. Score.
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We're sensing another assult -- some blonde is telling him to get on his knees! Aw, crap. She's tricking him into proposing instead. Lame... Well, that's it! She wins. He proposed. Show over. You are not America's next top model. Go home.
B is telling Lisa P. to just be herself, and "everything will go well." That's it, dude. Start screaming orders at them around now. Give them a sneak preview of their lives as Mrs. B Wo.
He tells Jill that he loves being greeted by someone who smiles. Well no shit, Sherlock.
Rebecca the Manscaper (Man Woman for short) just went straight for the ole lip lock. They didn't show it, but we read that Brad spat and gargled with gasoline off camera immediately after she was out of his line of sight.
Aw, damn. ANBSAH,E is back. Wifey says B is smitten already. We say he's disgusted just looking at her.
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And... we're back. In our time -- DVR World -- it's been hours... OK, maybe 30 minutes. How long has it been in yours? Regardless, forgive the light updates from here on out. We've killed 9 cans of 4 Loko; we don't know which one's Chris Garrison, which is DEANNA; and now Hussy with the Green Dress On is threatening to beat on the Wo again. Lord help us all.
Wifey is "surprised how few slutty girls there are," but not at the number of half-exposed twin peaks. Wait. Wifey told us that cleavage is slutty. She may be brain washing us.
Ohhhhh dizaamm! Man Woman is busting out the body waxing. Nothing says "sex me, please" like ripping hair from a man's arm. Now she's describing how she waxes banana hammocks. Ew.
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Brad gives Ashley the first impression rose, also known as the "I'm giving this rose to you right now, because there are other women who are hotter in there and later I'm going to dump you, so I'm trying to make you feel good about yourself right now" Rose. Heartbreaking to see such a sweet girl's dreams crushed so soon.
He's giving out roses. First up, Michelle. She looks like an unfamous, sober, but still a bit skanky Carmen Electra. Oh, and she got a baby daddy, so that will be fun for Austin's most infamous bachelor.
Kelty -- what the samhell kind of name is that? - is jumping for joy. She got a rose.
Wifey is making predictions about who's going home. So far, she's damn near 0-fer. (O-fer is a baseball term, dammit. This is a man's blog, clearly.) She did call, however, that ANBSAH,E and Baby Daddy would get roses... This isn't a surprise, really. B Wo is known for liking extremely unattractive women. One of these women will be the future ex-Mrs. B Wo. Can we just skip to the last episode with the three of them in the hot tub and call it a season, please?
That's all the fun we can handle for this week... Tune in next week, when we rename the blog to pissedoffdemsareclearlynothingbutabunchofbitchesbecausetheylettheirwomenruntheremote.blogspotcom.
This pretty much made my morning. Thank you for watching and ridiculing so I don't have to.
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